Personal Ads Never Work
by ShiroNeko
Summary: Yet another 'What really happened at Rainbow Bridge' story. Please R&R.


Disclaimer: Sorry to disappoint you, but I am not CLAMP, the characters aren't mine, and Santa Claus doesn't really exist. Major spoilers. Please read and review!  
  
Kamui was having a dream. He looked around, waiting for some dream seer to show up  
  
or symbolic feathers to float down. Nothing happened.  
  
"Maybe, I'm having a normal dream for once." Kamui dared to hope. He looked around  
  
nervously and began to smile.  
  
"Yeah! I can't believe it! It's really a normal dream with no occult imagery or  
  
foreshadowing of doom or even-"  
  
Kotori's severed head rolled by.  
  
"Damn."  
  
Kakyou materialized "Hello Kamui. I have come to discuss your love life."  
  
"Let me get this straight, the world is ending, and you want to play matchmaker?"  
  
"I'm in a coma and there is nothing better to do but be groped by Fuuma. Humor me."  
  
Kakyou pointed over to a large screen that appeared "Let's look at what has happened in  
  
past relationships."  
  
On the screen, Kotori was just about to be beheaded by Fuuma.  
  
"I'm too innocent and genki for all of this! Why couldn't I have been in Card Captor  
  
Sakura?!?" Kotori wailed.  
  
"What's so great about Card Captor Sakura?" Fuuma asked.  
  
"NO ONE GETS THEIR HEAD LOPPED OFF IN CARD CAPTOR SAKURA!"  
  
"What? You mean you never saw the 'Decapitation Card' episode?"  
  
"Okay, I know what happens next, I've seen enough." Kamui told the white haired man.  
  
The screen froze and disappeared. Kakyou turned back to Kamui.  
  
"It seems that whoever you grow attached to dies a horrible death. You're worse then  
  
Captain Kirk from Star Trek"  
  
"So do you see why it's so hopeless?"  
  
Kotori's head rolled back around as if on cue. Kamui watched it with a repulsed look on  
  
his face  
  
"Just ignore it, happens all the time. Now, what you need to do is find someone so  
  
completely messed up, someone with such a dreay fate and outlook on life, that things  
  
can't get any worse even if you are in love with them." Kakyou explained.  
  
"I think I see where you're going with this." Kamui said slowly.  
  
"You do?" Kakyou asked surprised. He didn't think Kamui was that smart.  
  
"Um, yeah, and I'm sorry but your just not my type. And I'd really rather avoid  
  
unconventional parings." Kamui said with as much sincerity as he could muster. Kakyou  
  
stared at him.  
  
"NOT ME YOU IDIOT! Ahem, I was thinking of the-one-who-loves-the-one-who-  
  
killed-the-one-I-loved-the-most."  
  
Kamui blinked "Do you mean Subaru?"  
  
"Yeah, that's him."  
  
Kamui thought this over "Well, its worth a shot."  
  
The Next Day.  
  
Kamui and Subaru we're eating ice cream. Or, Kamui was eating ice cream. Subaru was  
  
still getting to used to having only one eye and kept getting ice-cream everywhere on his  
  
face but his mouth. Also, he was drifting off in memories of when he was 16.  
  
  
  
Doctor: Seishiro has lost an eye!  
  
Subaru: Ahhh! Things just can't get any worse!  
  
Seishiro: I'm the Sakurazukamori.  
  
Subaru: Ahh! Things just can't get any worse!  
  
Seishiro: I'm here to kill you.  
  
Subaru: Ahh! Things just can't get any worse!  
  
Lady Sumeragi: Don't worry, I stopped him.  
  
Subaru: Phew.  
  
Lady Sumeragi: But he killed Hokuto.  
  
Subaru:Ahh! Things can't- *Gets hit on the back of the head by his grandma*  
  
"What are you thinking about?" Kamui asked when he saw how deep in thought Subaru was.  
  
"The good ol'days." Saubaru replied.  
  
"Hey Subaru?" Kamui asked timidly.  
  
"Yes, Kamui?" Subaru replied while using a napkin to rub ice cream out of his good eye.  
  
"Do you still have feelings about Seishiro?"  
  
Subaru sat there "I'm not sure, Kamui."  
  
"Well, do you think that it's time to move on?" Kamui tried to bat his freakishly long  
  
eyelashes flirtously, but since he never had much experience flirting it only made him  
  
look dazed "You know, find someone new?"  
  
Subaru didn't saw anything for a few minutes. His ice cream began to melt.  
  
"You know Kamui, maybe you're right."  
  
"I am?"  
  
"I shouldn't be spending my time on someone who doesn't love me back."  
  
"Exactly! You need someone who appreciates you!"  
  
Subaru looked at Kamui and smiled "And I know just where to look."  
  
Kamui's heart began to beat faster "Y-you do?"  
  
"The newspaper personal ads!" Subaru leapt up "Thank-you Kamui for your help."  
  
Kamui watched Subaru walk off (bumping into a telephone pole, some tourists and a  
  
fence).  
  
"I hope he gets his perchipal vision back." Kamui muttered to himself.  
  
The Day After That.  
  
"Kamui! Have a look at my personal ad." Subaru brought in a newspaper and laid it on  
  
the kitchen table where Kamui was eating breakfast.  
  
"Sure" Kamui said defeated.  
  
"I'm branching out. I'll find someone completely different from Seishiro with this ad."  
  
Subaru stated proudly.  
  
Kamui looked at the ad.  
  
Young rich male onmyouji seeking  
  
Fellow male onmyouji. Must be able  
  
To make a shiki-gami, must have an  
  
Affinity for Sakura petals, inverted  
  
Pentagrams and the colour of dried  
  
Blood. Must only have one eye  
  
(preferably in the right socket). No weirdoes please. Call 1S3-R790  
  
"So what do you think?" Subaru asked.  
  
"Um.. I thought you wanted to branch out and find someone different from Seishiro."  
  
"I do."  
  
Kamui looked at the ad, then back at Subaru.  
  
"Well, it's just that I have very specifies tastes." Subaru admitted.  
  
"HOW MANY ONE EYED ASSASSINS DO YOU THINK ARE IN TOKYO?"  
  
So for the next few hours, they watched the phone and waited for it to ring.  
  
After two hours, nothing happened.  
  
After five hours, the phone began gathering dust.  
  
After 10 hours, the phone finally rang.  
  
It was a wrong number.  
  
"Hey Subaru." Kamui was looking at the personal ad "I think I know why nobody's  
  
calling."  
  
"Why?" Subaru called from where he was still watching the phone.  
  
"You accidentally put in Aoki's work phone number by mistake."  
  
Meanwhile, at Asuka's head office.  
  
"Mr.Aoki, you have another telephone call from someone who says he's answering a  
  
personal ad in the paper." A co-worker called out. Seiichiro turned red and took the  
  
phone while everyone in his office stared at him.  
  
"Stop calling me! Why would I place a personal ad? I'M HAPPILY MARRIED." He  
  
hung up the phone and sat back down at his desk. It wasn't long before the phone rang  
  
again.  
  
"Um.. Seiichiro, it's for you..."  
  
The Next Day After That.  
  
"So, any luck since you changed to number?" Kamui asked Subaru.  
  
"Yes, actually that's what I came here to tell you about. I got a phone call this morning,  
  
from someone responding to the ad. He wanted know if we could met at Rainbow Bridge  
  
this afternoon." Subaru said, seeming happy for someone who is a leading contender for  
  
'Angsty Bishouen of all time'.  
  
"Wow, that's great." Kamui said unenthusiastically.  
  
"And I have you to thank for it."  
  
"Don't mention it."  
  
"I better be going. I'll tell you all about it later."  
  
Kamui watched him walk off.  
  
"Hi'ya!" Sorata bounded up behind him with the calm Arashi right behind him "Whtacha  
  
doing?"  
  
"Watching the person I love walk off to be with someone else."  
  
"Oh. Want to join Arashi and I for lunch?"  
  
"It's 'me and Arashi.'" She corrected.  
  
"Wow, isn't she amazing Kamui. Good looks and brains."  
  
"Yeah sure. Lunch is good." Kamui said in a monotone.  
  
Subaru was leaning on the railing of the bridge, looking over the edge when Seishiro  
  
showed up.  
  
"Why, imagine bumping into you, Subaru, of all people." He said in his smooth voice  
  
"Mind if I join you? I'm waiting for someone ."  
  
"Um, no, I'm waiting for someone too." Subaru said, meanwhile thinking of how  
  
awkward the situation could become.  
  
The two men stood on the bridge in silence for a few minutes.  
  
"So who are you waiting for?" Subaru asked in curiosity.  
  
"Some guy from a personal ad."  
  
"Funny, I'm waiting for someone from a personal ad too."  
  
Both were quite for a moment.  
  
"I bet my guy will show up first" Seishiro said to Subaru.  
  
"How much?"  
  
"Kamui, you haven't touched your Happy Meal at all." Arashi scolded.  
  
"Yeah, if you don't eat you'll become scrawny and-" Sorata thought about who he was  
  
talking to "Never mind."  
  
Kamui sighed "I can't eat. It's driving me crazy, the idea of Subaru and whoever, alone,  
  
gazing into each other's.um.eye."  
  
"If it's bothering you so much, why don't you go over to Rainbow Bridge to check on  
  
them." Sorata suggested.  
  
"Spying on the person I love. Not a bad idea. I think I'll go right now." Kamui stood up  
  
and left.  
  
"Wait, I'll come with you." Arashi went with Kamui.  
  
Sorata watched them go "Alright, I get both of their toys now."  
  
"Um, Seishiro?"  
  
"Yes Subaru?"  
  
"Do you think it's possible that you answered my ad?"  
  
" 'Must have an affinity for Sakura petals-' "  
  
"Yeah that's the one."  
  
"Oh while, I guess this was a waste of time then." Seishiro started to walk away.  
  
"Wait! Seishiro, this was all arranged through a personal ad, right?"  
  
"Yes, I suppose."  
  
"Don't you see? Personal ads always work. We're supposed to be together." Subaru  
  
stated, his hope at an all time high.  
  
Seishiro turned back around "Well, I don't know if it would work out."  
  
Subaru's hope crashed like a grand piano thrown off a 26 floor building.  
  
"But we can give it a try." Seishiro added.  
  
Subaru's happiness meter nearly shot through the roof. Seishiro and Subaru moved closer  
  
to each other embraced. Sadly, they had forgotten about Subaru's lack in peripheral  
  
vision and depth, so Subaru accidentally thrust his hand through the center of Seishiro's  
  
chest.  
  
"Opps."  
  
"Ouch."  
  
Meanwhile, Kamui and Arashi had shown up and were at the other side of the bridge.  
  
"Bad timing." Arashi commented.  
  
"Oh well, Subaru. It was nice while it lasted."  
  
"Seishiro, don't give up! You can't die now that we've actually found each other  
  
(again)."  
  
"No, it's too late for me. I'm sorry for getting blood on your white trench coat."  
  
"Oh, don't worry about that, I've got 28 identical ones at home."  
  
" . "  
  
"But Seishiro, you have a hole in your chest."  
  
"AND YET, IS HE STILL ALIVE AND HOGGING THE PAGE SPACE!" Kamui  
  
yelled impatiently from the other side of the bridge, where he and Arashi where playing  
  
poker to pass the time.  
  
"Hey, I'm the first DoE or DoH to die, I have to set the standard." Seishiro yelled back at  
  
Kamui. Kamui pouted and muttered under his breath about dragging things out.  
  
"You know Subaru, There is one thing I've always wanted to tell you."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I ..you." Seishiro told him, and died.  
  
"Um, did you catch that?" Kamui whispered to Arashi.  
  
"No, Subaru was in the way."  
  
Alright, I'm holding the dead body of my lover whom I just killed. Subaru tried to find the  
  
silver lining in all of this, and failed.  
  
"Ahh! Things just can't get any worse!"  
  
And, with him being Subaru Sumeragi, they did.  
  
"Kamui! The bridge is failing a part! We have to get out of here!" Arashi shouted in  
  
order to be heard over the sound of it collapsing.  
  
'But I can't leave Subaru!" Kamui yelled. Before he could do another thing, the bridge  
  
fell apart taking Subaru and newly dead Seishiro with it.  
  
"No, he can't be dead." Kamui said numbly. Arashi put a comforting hand on his  
  
shoulder "Kamui, maybe now isn't the time to say this, but there has been something I've  
  
been meaning to tell you."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"I'm in love with you Kamui."  
  
"I SAID 'NO UNCONVENTIONAL PAIRINGS!!" Kamui yelled up to the heavens.  
  
Author: Fine, I'll go work on my Yuzuriha/Kamui fic.  
  
Thank-you for reading. Please review. There may be a second chapter, but I'm pretty lazy, so depends. Thank-you again for reading. 


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